Everything you can imagine is real.
–Pablo Picasso


I wish I could believe that. Then, I would look for love. Long ago, when I was young, I believed I’d find love. It would be embodied in a man who possessed the qualities of a prince. Love would be a man who would hold me and give me freedom. A man who could talk about the world, the universe. A kind man with an innate sense of justice.  Together, we’d build a life together.

I spent years searching until I decided loneliness was worse than not having love.  So, many more years, I lived with a man who worked to provide a secure foundation, a home to give shelter and money to buy whatever we needed. I accepted his shortcomings, his failures. But, his inability to see me for anything other that a minority shareholder in the life we built hurt. We wrangled over it. Somehow, he never understood what I was saying no matter how many times and in so many different ways I tried to explain that his attitude was a source of pain for me.

I’ve become adept at making my life work for me. Doesn’t everyone settle for something in life?


Sky Over Jones Beach

Sky Over Jones Beach

Hope is a useful attitude. For me, the idea that something may be obtainable has carried me through some tough times.  When my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, hope induced me to research treatments and pharmaceutical trials. After all, she was young and she possessed the strength to pursue harsh medical protocols. Of course, the less obtainable something becomes, the less hope we feel. Once it became apparent that the treatments didn’t work and that there wasn’t that much out there to do anything but prolong her life a month or two more, it was time to reassess the situation. Hope was no longer a motivation. The main concern became alleviating her pain.

Just this year, I realized that decades ago I gave up hope of ever being loved again. Yes, all these years I have been in a relationship. We have worked together, raised children together, traveled together and prepared for old age together. Yet, the love aspect of the relationship withered a while ago leaving us in a business partner/ friend position. That’s fine.  Many, many couples experience this role progression and make it work. We are too.

Still, I think of resurrecting that hope–of somehow, in some way  feeling in love with someone again.